"Mommy, Look What I Did!": Self Psychology and the Subtle Difference Between Praise and Recognition

What parent hasn't heard the titular phrase from their child? Certainly, no parent I've talked with, especially if they have a preschooler. Little children are notorious for wanting the attention of the adults around them, and if you're reading this blog you're probably all too familiar with this fact. It seems that the need to be center stage is hardwired into the human psyche, which tells me Mother Nature must have had a great Nanny! Although you might know that your little one's relentless quest to bask in the glory of the spotlight isn't designed just to annoy you (well, most of the time anyways), it's still little consolation when you're busy, exhausted and naturally wanting a little "me time" every now and again.

On top of that, now everybody seems to have a different opinion on how best to respond to your child's bids to be the apple of your eye. You've likely heard it all:

"Make sure to praise your child as much as you can!"

"Don't praise him too much, or he'll come to expect it."

"You have to give your child praise, but praise the effort, not the result."

"Give her praise, but don't just say 'Good job.' Be descriptive."

It's easy to start feeling overwhelmed and resentful, like you're not even allowed to give your darling a simple pat on the back anymore. So, where does this leave a modern-day parent who's just trying to do the best they can? Let's turn to psychoanalysis and see what it has to say on these issues.

The Birth of Self Psychology

When discussing anything to do with psychoanalysis, it's next to impossible to go without mentioning its founder, Sigmund Freud. However, in the interest of time and your attention span, I'll spare you a complete recounting on the history of the discipline. Instead, I'd like to pause to discuss a few of his main ideas and show how they influenced later thinkers who focused directly on the ways parents impact their children's developing self-esteem.

Sigmund Freud had a lot of astonishing things to say about human nature, and, at the start of the 20th century, when Victorian sensibilities about purity and proper behavior were at a climax, the good doctor found that the public did not always appreciate his radicalism. In a nutshell, Freud stressed that humans like to feel good - shocking, I know, and I apologize to any Victorians who are probably rolling over in their graves as a I type this. More specifically, he believed that humans are born as bubbling cauldrons of primitive motivations, the most important of which he defined as the "pleasure principle", or the innate tendency to pursue pleasure and avoid pain. People's mental health had to do with how successfully, or not, they navigated the satisfaction of their animalistic impulses within the constraints of civilized society. In Freud's view, then, parents were little more than drive regulators, tasked with keeping their children's naughtiness in check without unduly guilting them through strict punishment or moralization.

As psychoanalysis evolved, clinicians and theorists, including Freud himself, began to question the primacy of the pleasure principle. Contentious debates ensued over what truly drives human behavior, with some remaining loyal to the original idea of pleasure-seeking, while others pointed to deeper needs, such as the need for relational connection. Out of the discord, Heinz Kohut emerged as a central figure, ushering in a new era for the field.

Heinz Kohut was born in Vienna, Austria, in 1913. At the time, the city was a vibrant center of intellectual life, particularly in the arts and psychoanalysis. This rich cultural environment deeply influenced Kohut's interests and contributed to his decision to study medicine at the University of Vienna. He earned his medical degree in 1938, the same year he fled to the United States to escape the rise of Nazism following Austria's annexation by Nazi Germany. Once in the States, Kohut began training at the Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis.

Despite a training steeped in classical Freudianism, Kohut departed quite significantly from the orthodoxy of his instructors, opting to further develop clinical theory in a novel direction. He was particularly intrigued by his attempts to treat patients diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, a condition that had been, up until that point, written off as unanalyzable. Kohut saw these patients not as suffering from internalized prohibitions against their own need for pleasure, but, instead, as suffering from deep-seated wounds in the psychological structure he called the "self." The self, in Kohutian thought, is a kind of system organized around the maintenance of a set of core needs, namely the need for admiration, the need for an ideal role model, and the need to belong in a group. According to Kohut, it is through the gratification of these needs in childhood that a cohesive self develops, and it is through their disruption that disordered patterns of attention-seeking emerge.

Thus, self psychology, as it is known today, was born.

Self Psychology and Its Relation to Child Development

Now, let's get back to the reason that you're here: your child. How does all of this relate to them? Well, as I implied earlier, Kohut was curious about the ways in which parents mold their children's growing sense of self. In self psychology, the three needs I previously described are referred to as "selfobject needs." The term "object" derives from older psychoanalytic nomenclature to designate the person or thing at which a drive is aimed, such as the mother. Kohut chose to combine "self" and "object" into a single word, selfobject, to emphasize that, in an infant or young child's mind, the external person or thing fulfilling their needs is not experienced separately from the self. It is only with maturity and a supportive early environment, Kohut believed, that a person can begin to independently regulate their selfhood.

To put it more plainly, your child needs your help figuring out how to feel about themselves, and they try to meet this need through behaviors designed to capture your attention and emotional attunement. So, last week, when Johnny proudly held up a crumpled piece of construction paper covered in chaotic color and called it a painting - or, the other day, when your baby looked to you, expecting applause after hurling a block across the living room - they were doing something deeply human. They were reaching out for the warm, affirming glow of your admiration that tells them: "You matter. I see you."

In doing so, Kohut believed that caregivers were acting as healthy selfobjects. He emphasized that children thrive when parents can stay grounded in the face of their child's narcissism, recognizing it not as a flaw, but as a normal and temporary stage on the path towards secure self-esteem. Through repeated interactions in which you notice and appreciate your child's efforts, abilities, and budding personality traits, they begin to build up a foundation of inner confidence.

However, and I'm sure this is something you'll be relieved to know, Kohut stressed that parents don't need to do this all perfectly. In fact, he felt it was equally as important for parents to sometimes get it wrong. That means that when your child had a meltdown because they wanted you to immediately look at their brand new Playdoh creation, but you were on the phone with Grandma, you're helping them learn a valuable lesson. Namely, if these occasional ruptures occur within the context of an otherwise attuned relationship and the meltdowns that follow are handled with sensitivity and tact, you're teaching your child that admiration can't always come from the outside world and that, ultimately, they'll need to develop the capacity to feel good about themselves even when no one is watching.

Incorporating Self Psychology Into Your Parenting

Let's return to the original topic of praise and get into the nuts and bolts of how to apply all of these lofty concepts to your everyday parenting. One thing I especially like about Kohut's theories is that they encourage us to think differently about praise itself. Oftentimes, especially within an achievement-oriented culture like our own, praise is closely associated with evaluation. Your child does something, and you deliver a judgment centered around the worth and value of said action. Whether it's a "good" judgment or a "bad" judgment, the fact that it's a judgment remains.

Self psychology, instead, asks parents to step outside this evaluative role and connect with their child through genuine delight.

Consider the following scenario.

Five-year-old Steven has spent the last several minutes building a tower with his blocks. After carefully stacking one block on top of another, he steps back and realizes he's built the tallest tower he's ever made. Thrilled with his accomplishment, he runs to get his mother, eager to show her what's he's done. Imagine his mother responding in one of two ways:

Response A: "That's an amazing tower, Steven! Good job building it."

Response B: "Wow, that is very tall! You worked so hard on it and you must be so proud of yourself."

While both responses are warm and supportive, Response B is more in line with Kohut's ideas on promoting self-esteem. The difference here is subtle, but, if you look closely, you might notice that the focus of each message has shifted in opposite directions. The former response has an external emphasis and centers around the result that Steven produced, while the latter recognizes Steven's feelings, connecting him more closely with his own pride in his capabilities. Kohut referred to this type of recognition as mirroring because the parent acts as a sort of mirror of the child's inner experience.

I think it is important to reiterate that the main takeaway is not that praise is bad and mirroring is good. All parent-child relationships likely contain a degree a both, but self psychology shines a light on how much of a balance exists between them. The hidden danger of relying predominantly on praise is that it encourages the child to seek external approval to determine their worth instead of attending to the natural excitement that underlies their personal developmental progression. It also creates a hierarchy between parent and child that sacrifices the intimacy that can develop when mutual joy drives moments of connection instead of appraisal.

What this means in practice is not that parents need to eliminate praise altogether, but that they might begin to notice what else is happening in the moment. Is the child looking for evaluation, or for shared recognition of their experience? When parents respond from that second place, they offer something more enduring than approval - they offer their child the experience of being understood.